Will Grannis

In the wake of Pope Francis' death on Monday, April 21, the Church has been observing a nine-day mourning period ending on the 29th. The next conclave is expected to begin sometime between May 6th and May 12th, with the exact date set by the college of cardinals. There are 132 cardinals who were younger than 80 at the time of the Holy Father's death, meaning that they are eligible to vote for the next Roman Pontiff.

Notre Dame has been mourning the late pope's death with the rest of the Church, and the feelings on campus about the upcoming conclave are diverse, especially among various groups of Catholics.

John Paul Thomas Steven Patrick O'Malley, spokesman for the Irish Sedevacantists, spoke exclusively to the Revue in between taking large puffs from his pipe. "You'd think that this would be good for us and all, right—since everyone's a sedevacantist now, at least for the next few days or weeks. But that's actually contrary to our club constitution, which clearly states that we have to hold whatever position on the papacy makes us feel the most special and uniquely in-the-know. We've decided that Pope Francis is actually still alive but is being held captive inside the Vatican by the globalists."

Tucker Carleton was authorized to speak on behalf of College Republicans. The Revue interviewed him inside the Eddie Street 7-Eleven. "I really hope that the next pope is willing to stand up to the woke mob, unlike his predecessor. We need someone to bring the Church back to its roots of self-sufficiency and the Nietzschean will to power. Someone who will work with the Trump team to ensure that Catholicism helps people live out their MAGA values and take the nation back." Carleton then fished inside the pockets of his extra-tight turtleneck to find his wallet, purchased his contraceptives, popped in another Zyn, and left the store by stepping over the man begging for food.

Also anxious to share her thoughts was Emxly Brxndt, who serves in all eighteen leadership positions of Irish for Reproductive Health due to their low membership. "The Conclxve really needs to be open to all persxns, regardless of thexr bxptismal status. After all, wx are a Chxrch of convxrts! How else can wx decolonize the Chxrch without hearing all voicxs?" When asked whom she was hoping would be elected, Brxndt clarified that she was actually an Anglicxn priestess, and had no real preference besides "not the one whose name sounds like a poorly-translated Italian entrée, since he's the Latin Patriarch of Jerusalem. If there's one thing that that the Church certainly needs less of, it's patriarchy."

Christians are not the only members of the campus community to take an interest in the conclave. The sports betting industry, Notre Dame's third-largest religious denomination behind Catholicism and athleisure, has made placing wagers on the identity of the next pope possible through sites like FanDuel, DraftKings, DebtMachine, HomeWreckr, MoneyChangerz, and ViceAction. Although gambling on the outcome of a conclave results in a latae sententiae (automatic) excommunication, many young men on Notre Dame's campus have been enticed in by the offer of a free two-dollar wager conditional upon them losing at least nine thousand dollars of their own money first and recording a video of themselves pledging allegiance to Asmodeus. "It's totally harmless, man. I mean, they're basically paying me to play. I'd be losing money if I didn't do it," pointed out sophomore finance major PJ (Trip) Squee. "I'm not really Catholic or anything but DopamineChains let me parlay Cardinal Sarah at +680 with the next pope taking an unused name at +400 and my friend Blackout Billy getting liver failure before graduation at -105. The total payout if I hit all three legs is $84,000! I need it now more than ever, since I've just been doubling my wager every time I lose in the hopes of making it all back. By the way, can you guys give me a ride to CSL Plasma? I'd like some fast cash." [Editor's note: The 1918 Code of Canon Law abrogated all previous canonical legislation, including the excommunication for gambling on papal conclaves. Use code ICHABOD at SmokeWatchers for a free $5 bet.]

The one message consistently echoed throughout all of the Revue's interviews was that students hoped that a quick conclave might result in finals being canceled to celebrate. When asked for comment, Dean Wormwood of the Misordered Priorities department made clear that no such cancellation would occur, as "It's very important that students remember that the Church is not so much a real, physical, tangible organization made up of people to whom you can point, but in fact an amorphous and ill-defined sort of fuzzy feeling one gets when one feels good about oneself, and certainly not anything that should take precedence over the day-to-day lives of our patients—I mean students."