Will Grannis

Rev. Robert A Dowd, CSC, the newly-sworn president of the University, vowed in his inaugural address on Sept. 13 to not name any buildings, departments, centers, chairs, coaching positions, initiatives, campuses, documents, compacts, awards, medals, traditions, restaurants, classes, or charities after himself. He further swore to not use students' own money to give them merch with his name on it.

"I know that many students in the crowd are vibrating with anticipation, excited to discover what the first thing I'm going to name after myself is," said the new president in his address. "I'm afraid that I have to let you down. I'm not going to be memorializing my name in anything. All my life, I've been told that I look like I'm both eight years old and ninety. When they announced that I would succeed Fr. Jenkins, my own mother asked if I knew who this 'Fr. Dowd' guy was. I'm looking to stay out of the spotlight as much as possible. I'm not gonna name anything after myself. I'm not going to find some other person named Dowd and name anything after them. Heck, I'm not going to let anyone named Dowd into the University.

"I further pledge," he continued after recomposing himself, "That I will not make any mugs with my name on them and give them out. The athletes won't be getting backpacks with my face on them, the professors going on parental leave won't get a bib signed by someone in my office, and there will not be an official Notre Dame-approved Fr. Bob halloween costume."

This radical departure from the policies of his recent predecessors has attracted the ire of Sycophant Trust, a conservative watch-dog group dedicated to complaining about whatever Notre Dame's president does or doesn't do.

"I am truly appalled at Fr. Bob's shameless rejection of all that Notre Dame has stood for for the last half-century," expressed Bit Ter-Alum, president of Sycophant. "Why would a student even attend a university where the president isn't trying to boost his name recognition at all costs? In fact, Sycophant will be making the case in the next few weeks that the seat of the president is actually vacant. All pious Domers ought to recite the alma mater privately rather than cause scandal by attending 'classes' in the heretical university of Fr. Bob."

Some of the students, however, were thrilled about the new policy. The Rover spoke to Colovin Lemonnier, a Sorin Fellow and resident of Morrissey, as he went from studying in the Hesburgh library to his Moreau class in Malloy Hall. "Personally, I'm a little sick of everything being president-branded," he explained. "The university only admitted me conditional upon me changing my first and last names in honor of past presidents. That program is called the 'President Charles O'Donnell, CSC, Honorary French Naming Scholarship,' and it was created to help the presidents from the founding of the university also get their name on something." Mr. Lemonnier paused to take a large sip from his Jenkins mug before continuing: "I was worried that Fr. Bob was going to make me tattoo his social security number on my forehead. I'm very relieved that he's going in a different direction."

Students are not the only members of the campus community receiving the announcement well. Pemporal Tarodox, chair of the theoretical physics department, explained that many of the faculty were growing concerned with the trend in the University's naming.

"It's a simple linear regression. Dorms like Morrissey and Cavanaugh were named after those presidents had died. Hesburgh library was named while Fr. Hesburgh was still alive, but after his presidency. Jenkins-Nanovic Hall was named while Fr. Jenkins was president. Our calculations suggest that by 2065, the University will name a building for a president who has not yet been born! This could tear a hole in the very fabric of reality! That's why we're so relieved to see Fr. Dowd stop this reckless practice. The department has voted to name an award in his hon—"

[Editor's note: Prof. Tarodox popped out of existence before she could finish her sentence.]

Fr. Bob was not available for comment, but his office informed The Rover that he would be taking personal time from now until the start of the academic year following his retirement from the presidency.