Will Grannis

Notre Dame's Department of Animal Husbandry decided to host a symposium, entitled Wolves in Sheep's Clothing, on Friday Nov. 10.

First there was a family-friendly performance held in the Agricultural School's grazing pastures in which students led large wolves wearing wool sweaters while "Baa Baa Black Sheep," "Mary Had a Little Lamb," and an audio narration of the Land O' Lakes Statement played in the background.

The second part of the event was a panel discussion composed of Coytus O'Vine, the symposium's organizer and panel moderator; Bray Ng and Yu Sless-Major, two of the students leading the wolves; and Deathmaw and Skullcrusher, two of the family-friendly man–eating wolves in question. The performance and following panel lasted for a combined two hours and had an estimated death toll of twelve.

Students for Compassionate Oversight of Flora and Fauna (SCOFF) as well as several other animal-rights groups protested outside the event, met by counter-protestors from Sheep Protection and Equality Collective for Transsheep Recognition, Unity, and Mutuality (SPECTRUM).

Panel Highlights

Mr. O'Vine began the panel:

"Throughout history, wolves have been dressing as sheep. Jesus even mentions it in his Sermon on the Mount. Our lives would be so much poorer if not for the performance today: I have personally been gratified by these sheep countless times." [Editor's note: throughout the talk, the panelists continuously referred to the wolves as sheep.]

After introducing Ng and Sless-Major, O'Vine proceeded to caress the wolves next to him, managing to keep several of his fingers.

Ng then spoke:

"For me, personally, I remember times when I wasn't included in things, like when Mother would lock me in the dog crate to stop me from interrupting her painting... I hope that by helping these brave sheep feel included in ovinity, I can alleviate some of the loneliness I feel. Maybe Mother's urn will finally start talking to me again!"

Next, O'Vine passed the mic to Deathmaw, who briefly turned his attention away from the small child he was gnawing on just long enough to swallow the microphone whole.

Attendees were treated to the sounds of a toddler being slowly digested while support staff worked to find another microphone.

Once O'Vine acquired another one, he asked the audience to applaud Deathmaw for his brave and thought-provoking statement.

Sless-Major then spoke:

"Hi everyone, thank you all for coming! I know some of you had to get through protestors in order to be here: can you believe that some people wouldn't support us? At a Catholic school too!"

Turning to Skullcrusher, she asked: "Where did Jesus ever rebuke people for their behavior or call them to a higher purpose?" When he didn't respond—being too busy eating his blood-soaked lamb—she exclaimed: "That's what I thought! These sheep are so beautiful and brave. Large, powerful, dangerous, and canine, they represent everything that a sheep should be! It's been such a blessing to be able to raise them since they were just lambs; I remember when we kept running out of adoptive dams to nurse them on account of the lambs eating them. We had to feed them sheep's milk from a bottle."

At the mention of suckling sheep's milk from a bottle, Ms. Ng let out a loud wail—"Just like Mother used to make me do!"—before crying and running off stage.

Aftermath

By now the wolves had gotten loose and scared the attendees away, so the panel concluded without a Q&A.

In his closing remarks, Mr. O'Vine looked back fondly on his time thus far in the department: "I've been practicing animal husbandry for thirty-seven years, and they only convicted me once!"

Reactions

Speaking to the Revue prior to the event, SCOFF president Ewegene Woolsey expressed his concerns:

"We [SCOFF] think that the event will be unimaginable baa-d for the cause of animal rights. The animal husbandry department is trying to pull the wool over our eyes: they say that it will be too expensive to host the event anywhere other than the sheep pasture and then turn around and absolutely fleece us on the tuition. How can any baaptised Catholic think that this is how Jesus would treat his flock! This is so bleatantly wrong! Shear insanity! The university's sheepish inability to condemn this event is an indictment of the President and the Board of Directors. We will stand no longer for their wooly appeals to academic freedom!"

A SPECTRUM spokesperson told the Revue, "We like doing unspeakable things to sheep too! There's solidarity and allyship to be found at Notre Dame if you just look hard enough."

The Animal Husbandry Department called the event a "smashing, nay, bone-crunching success."

While they have not yet announced a vigil service for those who were killed during the talk, on Tuesday they laid out plans to dress foxes as henhouse guards for their next event.